Captain's Log.

Wow.

So shocked. So hurt. Back to square uno.

2011

Wow, its been a loong time since I last wrote in my Tumblr. Theres a reason for it though… I was tired of being reminded about all the sad things and wanted to focus more on the positive things. I also realized that writing my feelings down helped me get through the roughest situations.

So I find myself here, in 2011, looking at the crossroads and choosing which path to take. I see multiple choices, all that can lead me to something amazing. I have this feeling that I’m running out of time, and if I dont make a decision fast enough something will happen. I just dont know what it is. Im currently pretty happy. Happier than I’ve been for a while, but I’m also burdened by the loss of my house and rough state of my family. I guess the negatives counter the positives and ends with balance. I must admit that I let the stress get to me and destroy any drive that I have to do anything.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who has stuck by my side through all this bullshit. I feel her love in a way that I havent experienced before. Shes a tough cookie, so I can almost feel as if I can learn from her strengths. How to not take shit from anyone is the biggest lesson I’ve learned since I’ve been with her. I just miss her so much and wish she was physically here to help me through this. 

I feel like the things that happened to me in the past two years have given me wisdom that I wouldnt be able to learn unless I directly experienced those things. I know first hand how it feels to have walked through fire. I have felt loneliness like no other, yet I have managed to put the pieces together and move on. I have felt betrayal, and redemption. 

Another thing I’ve learned is that people have their own agenda for what they do. In the past few months I have felt like I’ve filtered out my bullshit friends, and no longer keep them close to me. People claimed to be my close friends, yet there was no evidence of them being a truly close friend. All talk. I’m not down with that anymore. I dont need to play games like a little child. I understand people are busy, and live out their lives, but when you make promises and say you’ll do things but never do them… well… that just makes you a fool. I have surrounded myself with people who care about me, and people who have no agenda for being my friend. I’ve gained a new love for the people I do have in my life. The ones who have been there for me when I’ve been in the shit hole. The ones who I can vent to without feeling like I’m bothering them. The ones who I would fight for. 

Its 2011 and I’m making changes for myself. I don’t know where I’ll end up. But wherever I do end up, I’ll make the best of it. This is the year I make changes and get going with my life. 

Oh, and always appreciate the things you have in life. Tomorrow could be your last day. Make sure to let people know how much you love them.

Questions

I really don’t understand how I could be so blind. I hate how stupid I am sometimes.

“Why the fuck did you waste so much time?”

I don’t really have an answer.

Healing

After waiting for almost a year, I have finally decided to move on. I cant keep doing this to myself. It’s totally destroying me. I’ve slowly taken things down a notch and realized that it’s possible for me to get away from this situation and be less stressed. I still feel like someone ripped out my heart, causing me to be completely numb. Honestly I’ve been getting used to it tho. Sometimes I feel like the lack of emotion helps me get through the shit that has been laid out infront of me. I just hope I heal soon.

Life

Just doesn’t want me to be happy right now. I really need to start meeting new people.

Building Up

I havent been updating my blog in a while because so much shit has been going on. I’m just so sick of writing about stuff that Im unhappy about. I wish I had a happy blog post every once and a while. Seems like its just bad shit lately. I don’t even want to write. 

Absence

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” - Thomas Haynes Bayly

Only time will tell…

Breaking The Habit

Tonight.

Patience

I seem to have run out of it. There’s only so much I can take before I break, and I’m getting pretty close to just saying fuck it. I have my head in my hands because I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like she wants me to have no feelings for her at all. Sad to say that might be coming true.

New Way.

I think we’ve all been at a point in our lives when we realize that fairy tales have spoiled us. We figure everything works out in your favor, as long as you are respectful and have enough honor to fight the good fight. We see this all the time in movies and books. Good always wins, and bad always loses. Rarely is there anything in between.

I’m tired of wishing that things were alright when I know I can make them right. 

All my obstacles are ahead. Time to look forward.

Sometimes you gotta say, “FUCK IT”

My spring break was interesting… Sat home did nothing for a whole week. It helped me realize what I need and what I want. I realized that I only have a few friends that I can call, that I’m going nowhere fast, that doing nice things for others gets you nowhere. I also realized that I don’t deserve to be treated the way I am. Maybe a thanks once and a while would be nice. I’m treated like total shit, yet I haven’t realized this till now. 

So I decided that I’m going to change things for myself. I booked my DMV appointment next month on the 10th in Tracy to get my driving going, then I’m going to get my job set up. Then I told myself, “hey Omar, you want to be a world traveler some day. Why don’t you save up money so you can go on a trip?!” So I said, “fuck yeah, that sounds like a good idea!” So I’ve given myself some incentive to start working and saving money.

Honestly there’s nothing for me in this town. Not anymore. I made the decision to stay here last summer because I thought It was going to be worth it. Now I know not to make decisions based off of other people. I need to divert my attention off of making others happy, and make myself happy first. Everyone seems to be doing fine without me anyways. I mean, the way I see it, things couldn’t be going better for them right now. Why spoil the fun right?

Fuck it, Im all I got.